So Many Days and Nights

I’ve always had a strange relationship with my brain and men. I grew up creating a fantasy about who my biological father was. That he would one day save me and give me a life a little girl could feel safe in. The only thing I knew about him was his last name which I carried. I spent so many days and nights as a kid trying to find anyone with the same last name who could help me find him.  Eventually my mom started dating and he filled such a deep father absent whole. He taught me how to play sports. He spent nights helping me with my homework, and taught me structure and discipline. I grew closer to him and my mother struggled with drugs and became more and more absent. I was about 10 when my relationship with my stepdad completely changed. He started drinking more, and mainly because he had so much pressure to take care of us while my mom was doing whatever for weeks at a time. I had always been affectionate with my stepdad and loved sitting on his lap. He always made me feel like I was the apple of his eye until he started touching me differently. It didn’t feel innocent or a way a dad would hold his daughter. His kisses became more intense and at one point he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth. At times he would touch me and tell me that he’ll take me shopping but I knew he was doing it to keep me quiet. I started to hate myself and my body for becoming more like a young lady.

I would like to start somewhere. 

I was scared to take showers and eventually something happened where I had no choice but to tell my mom. He went to jail and my mom started to make me feel guilty and wanted me to change my story so he can come back and help out with us. He came back and he didn’t blame me or make me feel bad. In fact I felt bad. That I almost ruined my family. My mom would constantly tell me that she can’t work if I keep up the mess. I still loved him and I felt sick because of it. Eventually he was caught in the act and left for good. I feared men but the man I didn’t know who was my real dad. It wasn’t until high school my mom told me that she made the man up and that my real dad was some random person who lived out of state. I didn’t know him. I knew nothing about him. She enrolled me out of school and made me live with him. He was a good man but an alcoholic. I was scared to live with him and eventually went back home and lived with friends. I found my comfort in women. Especially someone who I confided in that was a lot older than me. I found myself in this appropriate relationship with her but I felt loved for the first time. I felt like I kept attracting sexual assault in my life and it pushed me in her arms. As I got older I knew that I was a lesbian and I never would find myself in a place where I could emotionally or physically trust a man.

I didn’t do intense therapy until my late 20’s and learned I had ptsd. I struggled with attempting suicide a few times and knew that I wanted to have a healthy relationship with myself and even my trauma! I wanted to do the work on myself and realize I have options in my life to cope with painful trauma and triggers. I learned a lot about my inability to truly love and know when I’m truly loved, but I learned how to love myself first which I never had the real chance to. I spent so much time hating myself and resenting who I was that I couldn’t see my future and that’s why suicidal ideation was always my focus. Today I am working on witting my book and sharing my words. I mentor young girls and started back in school to work in a mental health career. I do my best everyday to be kind to myself and know that I have survived some serious trauma but I am not a victim anymore. I am stronger than anything that I’ve gone through. I have days of triggers but I know how to check in and give myself the love I need. 

It really felt good to share this. I guess I haven’t felt so free to open up in this way. My friends call me a mystery and I’m usually the unpaid therapist so having a platform to share this and being in a safe space will help me connect to my friends and even my family who may need to hear this. I won’t be as detailed as I am now but I would like to start somewhere. 

Thank you.