The Beginning of The End
It should’ve been the happiest, most vibrant time in my life. I was in my 20’s and just married in a beautiful church ceremony with friends and family in attendance. It felt like the beginning of something with endless possibilities, but, instead, it was the beginning of the worst period in my life. Hours after we were married, he seemed different. It was as if there was a coldness and distance that appeared from out of the blue. It wasn’t until the following week on our honeymoon that I began to see what this was about.
“Even when it’s difficult, never give up on freeing yourself from the abuse.”
We had met new friends on our vacation and had gone to a nightclub together to dance and have drinks. Thinking about it now, my glass was never empty, and I ended up getting pretty drunk and don’t remember going back to our room. The first thing I do remember is being jolted awake by the searing pain of being raped. Within days of being married, while we were on our dream honeymoon, my new husband brutally raped me while I was inebriated and unconscious, and then emotionally abused me as I was sobbing. He refused to talk about it the next day, or any day following that. I was not allowed to talk about it with anyone. I felt like I had done something to deserve this. I was stunned, confused, angry, depressed, and ashamed. Even though, I thought, I need to make this work when we get home because I love him and had made lifetime promises just days before.
What ensued for the next several years was more emotional and psychological abuse, rape, and humiliation. The consistency with which he gaslit me made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I constantly questioned if I was making things up or if I was completely misreading a situation. I felt ashamed to ever talk to anyone about what was happening because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. How would they if I could hardly believe my own reality or provide any proof? I also thought to myself, “This isn’t so bad. It could be worse, others have it worse. At least he’s not hitting me”. Meanwhile, my tenacity kept me thinking about the ways I could course correct what was happening in our marriage, but nothing I tried seemed to make much of a difference. I felt like the real me was disappearing.
Later in our marriage, he reluctantly agreed to try couple’s counseling. He chose the therapist who had very conservative views on men’s and women’s roles in marriage and agreed with him on many things. I couldn’t tell her what was really going on so it was all very isolating. It ultimately ended up normalizing the abuse he was inflicting on me and made me feel like I was losing my mind.
Eventually, I was able to gather the courage to tell someone about what was happening. Even though we hadn’t been very close over the years, I decided to tell my mother. It felt like the safest choice at the time. However, what I was met with only further normalized the abuse and perpetuated the trauma. She told me that “a wife has certain duties to her husband… men have ‘needs’”, and then ended the conversation. I felt shocked, abandoned, hopeless, and completely ridiculous for trusting her. I wanted to die.
“ When you seek help, don’t settle for anyone minimizing, normalizing, or dismissing your experiences.”
When I was finally able to leave him, I did things my own way, without telling anyone I knew the full story. I then started to see things for exactly what they were. I was not losing my mind, those things that happened were real and they were abusive. I also began to experience PTSD, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks and started weekly therapy sessions. It was difficult to function at times, I never knew what was going to come up for me. However, I learned who was truly emotionally supportive and present for me.
If you’re in a similar situation, know that consent for any sexual activity is never blanketly given even when you sign a marriage certificate, nor is it being coerced, manipulated, or guilted into it. You can’t ever give anyone consent if you’re unconscious for any reason, no matter who it is. When you seek help, don’t settle for anyone minimizing, normalizing, or dismissing your experiences. Even when it’s difficult, never give up on freeing yourself from the abuse. Keep reaching out until you get the help you need, whether that be from friends, family, coworkers, hotlines, women’s shelters, therapists, or any other person who you can trust, will believe you, and will offer you solid support. Never stop believing in yourself, you deserve to be treated with love, respect, kindness, and dignity. Healing from abuse can be a difficult journey, but there is freedom and peace on the other side of it.
Since those experiences years ago, I have learned a lot about myself. I’m immensely stronger, more intelligent, braver and more resourceful than I ever thought I was at that time. Today, there are amazing people in my life who respect me, love me unconditionally and offer unwavering support, no matter what I’m going through.