I Remember

when I was three years old
I remember the room
The chairs in a circle
when they passed me around and entered me
The pain
I cried
And then they beat me
I learned not to cry anymore

I remember my father throwing me down the stairs
Across rooms
The punches, the yelling, his guilt after
I'm not sure how old I was

When I was small
I remember my grandfather
Sitting on his lap
Putting his finger inside me
I don't remember how old I was
I remember the silence

When I was six years old
I remember the pain
Familiar pain
I knew now to keep quiet
Let it happen
He kept hurting me
Until I was 12

When I was 10 or 11
I can't quite remember my age
I thought I was safe
She was a babysitter
She was a girl
But she hurt me too
I remember her telling me
It would be our little secret
A special game
The game hurt, I remember

When I was 12
I heard the gunshot
That killed my best friend
I guess he couldn't do it anymore
I didn't know it was that bad
I remember the sound

When I was 13
My dad died
I found out on Facebook
There are no words
I remember

When I was a teenager
My mother's husband
He raped me
Over and over
I remember trying so hard to keep my door closed
But he was stronger
I remember in flashes

When I was 14
I dated a boy
We had group movie nights
I said no
Everyone heard
The girls told me after
"You'll get used to it"
I didn't know this wasn't normal
I remember the confusion

When I was 16
I said yes to a date with a football player
It was 4pm on a weekday
He raped me in the movie theatre
He did not hear my no
A slut to schoolmates I was now known
I remember the embarrassment

When I was 16
The one person I completely trusted
The first male I ever trusted
He raped me
My best friend
In my own room
He told me he was trying to fix me
All he did was hurt me
I remember this night every day

When I was 16
I told my youth leader
She told me to forgive and be friends again
The golden boy kept his place
And I simply fell through the cracks
I was thrown away
A whore to the youth group I now was known
I remember the shame

I was 17
When I got drunk on New Years
An angry rejected guy
He put his hands down my pants
He and his friends had me cornered
All touching me
What a blur
I remembered the guilt

But at 17 I was adopted
I was finally home
I was loved and cared for and chosen
And here I have stayed
Safe now
With my new family
They have helped build me up from the broken pieces I was in
I remember the relief