Keeping My Strength

In order to keep my strength, I had to focus on not seeing myself as a victim but as a survivor. I wanted to focus on the fact that I survived the torture and pain and assault that I continued to go through for ten years. I wanted to focus on the fact that because I had the willpower to survive and the strength to become more than what happened to me— that I couldn't see myself as a victim anymore. I had to stop focusing on what happened to me and focus my mind on that despite what happened to me, I was thriving. 

I don't love the word “victim.” Not because I wasn't one or because it is inaccurate, but more because it was. I hate how people look at you and see you when they find out what you have been through. I don't want people seeing me as a victim and feeling bad for me. I am who I am despite what happened to me. I am a survivor despite being someone’s victim for ten very long years. I didn't want to train my mind to think of myself as a victim because I didn't want to get stuck in a loophole of never ending horror and sorrow for myself. I already had that without even trying, and I definitely didn't want to make it worse for my mentality.

I wanted to focus on the fact that because I had the willpower to survive and the strength to become more than what happened to me— that I couldn't see myself as a victim anymore.

Another big issue with seeing myself as a victim was that I couldn't get out of that. I couldn't heal and move forward because I was still letting my abuser have control and power over me by calling myself his victim instead of calling myself a survivor and reminding myself that he no longer has that power and control over me. 

Every single day I get to call myself a survivor. I get to tell the world that I survived. I survived trauma and torture and rape for ten years. I feel so excited to say not only did I survive, but I am thriving. Every day is a new day that I am lucky as hell to be living and blessed to be thriving.